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There will be pain, tears, anger or misunderstanding.
Announcing the separation of his parents to a child cannot be done with peace of mind. However, there are a few important principles that can help alleviate the shock.
First of all, you have to talk to him together. He needs your two voices.
Otherwise, he risks seeing the absent person as the troublemaker and blaming him for it. If he is very young, he may also believe that his other parent has already left for good and that he will not see him again.
No need to add to the program the anxiety of abandonment. If the climate allows, talk about it wit your spouse first. Think together about the words you are going to use: this will prevent you from contradicting yourself or hanging on to it. Your word is addressed to him alone: do not let your personal grievances hurt him. He should be as peaceful as possible.
Reassure him: it’s not his fault
The child occupies a central place in the family, so he is convinced that he has power over your relationship. In his eyes, if you separate, it is that he was not wise enough or satisfactory enough to maintain the bond.
It is between 4 and 6 years that he feels the most guilty because he goes through the famous period of the Oedipus complex: he often dreams of ousting one of his parents to take his place and become the lover of the remaining parent. Is separation somehow the fulfillment of his secret desire? It’s up to you to repeat to him that he has nothing to do with these stories of grown-ups.
What worries him most about your separation is the idea that it is possible to no longer love yourself. He imagines what follows logically: if today you separate from his father, tomorrow you might as well separate from him and no longer love him.
To reassure him, you must explain to him that between him and you, it is something else, an unalterable love: we will always love you. The love of a father or a mother is neither more nor less strong than the love between two lovers, but it is different because it is made of another material: it resists everything, it lasts all life.
You don’t divorce your children. You are ready to do anything to comfort your child if he shows his distress. But don’t go so far as to let him believe that he can influence your decision. If he thinks he can change your mind, that gives him a role in the divorce. It is not healthy for him. And if he fails to reunite you, he will feel all the more guilty for your separation.
Choose the right time and the right words
No need to talk to him about it months in advance.
The child lives in the present and can only envisage a very near future. If you anticipate too much, it no longer makes sense to him. Tell him two or three weeks before the actual separation.
Avoid letting go of the piece during a crisis, after an argument. Choose a quiet time when you have time to answer questions and allay fears. This is an important conversation, let him digest the news smoothly. Of course, there is no question of lying to him by telling him that Dad is going on a trip: he is not fooled.
But speaking the truth is not necessarily saying everything. What you want him to learn is we can’t live together anymore. You can tell her that you don’t get along, or even that you don’t love yourself, if that’s the truth.
But the underlying reasons for the couple’s failure do not concern him. The more you tell him, the more you will put him in a position to take sides, to judge. It is not his role, it is very destabilizing for him. He has the right to continue to love his two parents as before, without ulterior motives.
Preserve the parental couple
Connected as a perfusion on your emotions, he has already perceived sadness, anger, worry and regrets.
No need to deny them if he questions you. But do not take the opportunity to make you complain. It is not for him to console you but for you to protect him.
If the decision is unilateral, you can tell him who it came from: he will feel it anyway, through the sadness of one and the guilty air of the other. But choose your words: banish “daddy abandons us”, prefer “daddy decided to move to another apartment”.
Do not sink your future “ex”, you will hurt your child in the process. Even if you now only feel bitterness and bitterness for your partner, you loved yourself and your child is the fruit of this love.
It is very important for him: to imagine no affection in the history of his birth is intolerable for a child. So whatever it costs you, you have to remind her that at the origin of her life was your love.
It is also up to you to repeat to him that, whatever the future of your couple, you do not regret his birth. It sounds obvious but the child needs to hear it again. To grow, he needs to be able to rely on both of you. His life cannot be divided into slices.
Explain to him that you will stay in touch for all that concerns him, and that you will keep yourself informed, or at least that you will try: It is as husband and wife that we do not get along any more, but we stay your parents and we will continue to get along to raise you.
